


The Great American Novel

by SteveAtwater



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Also Only Dudes Are Showing Up In This Fic, And Comment Because, Family Feels, Father's Day, Gen, He's Trying To Make Amends Actually, I love comments, It's Just...He's So BAD At It, Like A Lot Of Parenthesis, Like Metro Man's Not Actually A Human You Know?, Metro Man Isn't A Jerk, Mostly Biological I'm Assuming, Mostly For Asides, Seriously That's Part Of The Writing Style I Used For This, This One Should've Been Out A Month Ago But I Got Distracted, again i don't know why, fathers and sons, i don't know why, just read it, parenthesis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 22:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19895350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveAtwater/pseuds/SteveAtwater
Summary: For Father's Day, Wayne Scott usually takes his father out to dinner at the finest restaurant in Metrocity. But this time, he's invited Megamind and Warden John Parker along.Yeah. This'll work out well.





	The Great American Novel

**Author's Note:**

> It's called "The Great American Novel" because, from this point on, I can say that I wrote "The Great American Novel." Jealous? You should be.
> 
> John Parker is the name given to the Warden by [ladyspock7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyspock7/pseuds/ladyspock7) (BEST Megamind fanfiction writer EVER. You've gotta read [Stepping Out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1546109?view_full_work=true) if you haven't already–it's FANTASTIC). I borrowed it for use here. I don't know what Lord Scott's name is, so I chose Victor, since that seemed to fit well. I also used Wayne as Metro Man's name, since that's generally agreed to be what he's called, but I considered using Steve as his name because that's what [scowlofjustice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scowlofjustice/pseuds/scowlofjustice) uses (ALSO a fantastic writer–if ladyspock7 takes the crown for Best Megamind Writer, and she does, scowlofjustice takes it for _Funniest_ Megamind Writer. Seriously, read those fics, they're HILARIOUS).
> 
> Enough shilling other people! If you notice the tone of the story shifting a bit, that's because the viewpoint also shifts; it's third-person omniscient, but it occasionally takes Wayne's side, or Minion's side, or Megamind's side, or The Warden's side, and even occasionally takes Lord Scott's side.
> 
> Also also also! This totally should've come out like a month earlier (a bit earlier than _that_ , really), but...well, it wasn't done in time. But now it is! So, y'know...
> 
> Enjoy?

"Minion!" Megamind calls into the depths of Evil Lair. "Come over here and help me with this chimpanzee suit!"

Minion pops his head into the room–or rather, his entire body, since he's a fish piloting what essentially amounts to a robotic gorilla–and sees Megamind struggling to put his pants on. This is mostly because he's grown a fair amount since the last time he wore that specific suit, also known as the last time he took a court date seriously, also known as "when Megamind was 15."

Minion sighs internally and walks over to Megamind, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I _told_ you I made you a new suit."

Megamind freezes and stares at his pants. "You mean this isn't it?"

Some days, Minion wishes Megamind would be more attentive. This is one of those days, especially since he left Megamind's freshly-tailored suit hanging at the front of his closet, with a sign hung over it reading "New Father's Day Suit," while Megamind obviously had to dig through Evil Lair for quite some time in order to find his old suit. But instead of rolling his eyes, Minion sighs internally (again) and smiles at Megamind.

"No," he says calmly. "I left it in your closet." He opens the door. "See?"

Megamind looks stunned. "Oh." He quickly regains his villainous demeanor. "Well, would you help me put on the chimp costume, as the people call it?"

"I think they call it a monkey suit, actually, Sir," Minion corrects.

Megamind looks stunned. "That's ridiculous! Chimpanzees are genetically the slightly more violent, slightly less intelligent uncles of humans! Monkeys are a much more distant relative, evolutionarily speaking! Why would they refer to a piece of formalwear as a monkey suit?"

"I wouldn't know, Sir," Minion says. In truth, he suspects that humans just have a peculiar fascination with monkeys, what with how many expressions fixate on monkey's uncles, monkey paws (itself rather strange since, to his eyes, monkeys have hands), barrels of monkeys, and that strange business with the Snopes trial. But, he's well aware that Megamind doesn't always appreciate etymology lessons, especially when based purely on conjecture and very much especially when he's already facing a stressful situation.

(Examples of stressful situations that come to mind are when he has to deal with some "estranged" "uncles", when he has had to evacuate previous lairs [although Wayne's willingness to let them go about their business in their current location, combined with a few payoffs to a few policemen and judicious use of the Forget-Me-Stick on any civilian who wanders too close has eased that possible burden tremendously], and dealing with the occasional encroachment of wannabes on his territory.)

(It also occurs to Minion that Megamind exhibits similar behavior whenever he offers Roxanne some minor creature comforts, but he brushes this off as Megamind just wanting to have a normal damsel-villain relationship, without his sidekick offering his captive a taste of his latest baking, or comfy pillows, but Minion just doesn't think that being a villain and being nice to the damsel have to be mutually exclusive–and besides, he likes to make sure that his cooking is good enough for more...refined taste buds, seeing as he has on multiple occasions walked in on Sir scarfing down doughnuts and Cheez-Its at the same time while working on a plan for a giant robot with a car for a head, and they weren't even good doughnuts. They were the miniature powdered doughnuts that get made in a factory, pumped full of preservatives, and shipped out in paper bags to languish on store shelves for weeks at a time until some unwitting fool picks them up and takes them home, marveling at their cheap price and imagining the delicious joy they will find before finally tasting their treat and realizing that they made a horrible, horrible purchasing decision, one that cannot be undone because they've already opened the package, and they find themselves caught between the horrible options of either eating the whole package of unenjoyable so-called doughnuts or throwing them out and losing all the money they spent on said unenjoyable so-called doughnuts.)

(Minion has strong opinions on doughnuts.)

Minion snaps back to attention just as Megamind slips on the jacket and smooths out nonexistent wrinkles in his pants. To anyone else, Megamind would look like an alien with a giant blue head wearing a well-tailored suit. But to Minion, he looks like a _worried_ alien with a giant blue head wearing a well-tailored suit.

(Actually, Minion would argue that Megamind isn't alien to him at all, but he'd concede that Megamind would look like an alien with a giant blue head in a well-tailored suit to the average human.)

"Is something wrong, Sir?" he asks.

Megamind instantly snaps into his customary bravado. "Wrong? Ha! Nothing at all is wrong! Of course, this suit could use more spikes...and leather...and, uh, maybe a flamethrower..."

Minion just crosses his arms and stares at him, bemused. Sometimes he'll let Megamind get away with not saying what's really on his mind, but it strikes him that Megamind secretly wants to talk. When he's actually trying to avoid a topic, his excuses are much better.

Megamind deflates. "Minion, what am I doing?"

"Well, Sir," Minion begins, choosing his words carefully, "it seems to me that you're getting ready to go to a fancy restaurant for dinner on Father's Day."

"With Metro Mahn!" Megamind says. "What was he thinking, inviting us along?"

"I think he invited us along as Wayne, not Metro Man, Sir," Minion corrects. "After all, he did say that he was inviting us to–"

"That's exactly it!" Megamind interrupts. "What fiendish plot is that fiendish fiend plotting?"

Minion blinks. "Sir?"

" _We_ are the villains here, Minion!" Megamind exclaims. " _We_ are the ones who come up with the big plans, _we_ are the ones who use the laser squids–"

Minion shivers. "Please don't remind me of that incident, sure."

"Right," Megamind says uncomfortably, remembering what happened when he tried to make a laser squid to embody the terror of Senior Citizens Day and sow discord through Metrocity.

(It seemed like a good idea at the time.)

"Anyway," Megamind rallies, " _we_ are the ones who take action! We strike fast, and hard, and with fear and heavy metal, to cause terror to flow through the veins of Metrocity, and by extension, Metro Mahn! So, Minion, I ask you, _what_ does this dunderheaded hero think he is _doing?_ "

Minion scratches his head. Actually, the gorilla suit scratches the top of the bowl in which Minion is housed, which does absolutely nothing for Minion's comfort, but it adequately communicates his confusion in a way he's certain Megamind will understand. Plus, it should hasten Megamind's inevitable answer to his own rhetorical question.

From the way Megamind continues to look at him, Minion becomes convinced that the question wasn't actually rhetorical.

"...inviting us to a nice Father's Day dinner?" Minion guesses.

Megamind waves him off. "Please. Heroes and villains don't go out and celebrate holidays together!"

"But we usually _do_ celebrate holidays with Metro Man," he points out. "We're always putting together holiday-themed plots that he foils."

"Those are _evil plots,_ Minion!" Megamind elucidates. "They're not holiday celebrations where we put on our, our, our fancy outfits, and then go out and have a nice dinner together! They are acts of pure evil that Metro Mahn always foils!"

Minion isn't quite convinced, but Megamind isn't done ranting.

"So, again, I ask you, _what is he thinking?_ " Megamind asks desperately.

"That we'd want to celebrate Father's Day with him?" Minion says hopefully.

"But neither of us are fathers!" Megamind says. "Wait. Minion?"

"No, Sir," Minion says. "I think it's because we're both bringing our fathers."

"But he's dead!" Megamind said. "Not that I ever really knew him anyway..."

At this point, Minion realizes that Megamind really didn't pay any attention when their arch-nemesis dropped by to invite them to a Father's Day dinner, seeing as he was preoccupied with covering up their newest highly-dangerous-but-if-not-strictly-illegal-still-in-a-legal-gray-zone-and-besides-Metro-Man-would-be-believed-if-he-hauled-them-in-under-completely-false-pretenses plan to defeat Metro Man once and for all.

"Not him, Sir," Minion corrects. He swallows heavily–quite a feat for a fish–and stares into Megamind's eyes.

"The Warden."

* * *

Wayne is wearing a mask.

This isn't unusual. He wears a mask all the time; different ones for different situations, but always a mask. Or at least, that's how he feels, but whenever he tries to figure out what's the mask and what's really _him_ , he always ends up hitting a brick wall. Still, he can't deny that no matter what, he's always wearing _some_ sort of mask.

Sometimes, he's the hero, dashing in to save the day from Megamind's latest evil scheme. Sometimes he's the loyal son his parents can be proud of. Sometimes he's the guy who stands next to the mayor and pretends he's _not_ an idiotic, lying jerk.

(Wayne's opinion of the mayor is heavily influenced by an incident where he happened to walk in the mayor yelling at one of his assistants for failing to restock the toilet paper in his mayoral bathroom.)

But no matter what, none of these masks feel quite like the real him. And maybe this never really bothered him until about a year ago, but since then...well, he's started looking into philosophy, and ethics, and all kinds of stuff that relates to morality, because what's the use of being able to stop time if you never use it to better yourself?

(The idea of using his powers to improve himself is also fairly new, but he's trying. He actually kind of regrets that he didn't try it earlier.)

The worst part, though, is that he worries that the real him might actually suck.

The last time he remembers not really wearing a mask is back in grade school. And he _used_ to have fond memories of being a kid, but Megamind managed to ruin them for him.

That's not fair to Megamind, and he knows it, but it's still true. He used to have so many good memories of what things were like in grade school. He got to run around, and play, and learn, and everybody loved him, especially the teacher. Honestly, it wasn't that much different from being a superhero as an adult, except he had time for himself and _didn't_ constantly have to help old ladies with their groceries or show up at press conferences and pretend that Metro City's government is _not_ basically completely incompetent.

(To be fair, that's true of most city governments; it's just that Metro City's government manages to look more competent because between him and Megamind, the crime rate is very low and the violent crime rate is miniscule. Wayne doesn't know how much Megamind does to make this happen, but he's pretty sure that Megamind has his fingers in more pies than anybody knows.)

In other words, when he was a kid he had all the adulation and praise he gets as an adult with pretty much none of the responsibilities. So yeah, he had good memories of being a kid for a long, long time. But now those are...well, not gone, but tainted. Because Megamind made him realize what a jerk he really was as a kid.

He didn't do it on purpose, honestly. It all started when Wayne tried to extend an olive branch to him and happened to bring up their time together at Lil' Gifted School. Megs got mad and stormed out on him, and at first he thought Blue was being unreasonable.

Until he thought about it some more and realized that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't that nice to Megamind either when he was a kid. That gnawed at him for a while, and when he happened to take a look at some of his old class photos (okay, it wasn't accidental, he was searching for more clues; he's no detective, but he can still put two and two together) and realized that Megamind was always the outcast.

It got worse from there. He tried to convince himself that Blue had always been the outcast, and that was kinda true. He was always the weird kid with the blue skin and huge head who was always playing with his fish. But a lot of that was because nobody wanted to play with him, probably because he was the weird kid with the blue skin and huge head who was always playing with his fish.

Wayne didn't want to play with him either. And when he thought about it, he realized that his playing with Megamind was more him just treating Megamind like...well, like a freak. And being a total jerk about it, too.

And that led to a lot of jarring realizations. He'd heard before of how pretty much everybody had a school bully, but he assumed that those bullies just didn't exist at his school, probably because if they did they'd find themselves in trouble (spelled W-a-y-n-e S-c-o-t-t). But when he thought about it more, he realized that a lot of the stuff he did as a kid was pretty much bullying; he just never got in trouble for it.

(It wasn't a pleasant realization.)

So he looked into it, and learned that Lil' Gifted School was actually a "private academy" funded by a network of anonymous donors. Mainly, his family. And he also learned that only a few kids were paying tuition to be there; the others were invited by the school board, who just happened to be comprised of "business associates" of his father. One of the invites was sent to Megamind. Multiple times. Apparently there had been some problem with his guardian thinking there was something fishy about the invitations, and only agreeing when the nearby public schools had refused to take Megamind on account of his being an alien.

(Wayne felt a bit guilty about that, since he was an alien too and he apparently never had any problems going wherever he wanted. He also couldn't shake the feeling that the "school board" of Lil' Gifted had put a bit of pressure on the public schools to reject Megamind, although he didn't have any reason to suspect this was the case.)

(This was the case.)

Which meant that his good memories had been paid for by his family. In retrospect, he shouldn't have been surprised, since he knew his family were multi-millionaires (to the point where they'd be billionaires if the stock market rose just a tiny bit more). But the fact that everyone around him had basically been paid to give him adulation when he was a kid...that didn't sit right with him. Especially since Megamind was essentially set up, the more he thought about it.

He'd found it hard to believe when Megamind told him they were both aliens. They were both teenagers at the time, and at first he'd written it off in his head as the delusional ramblings of an insane villain. Obviously _he_ wasn't an alien...right?

Except the idea wouldn't go away, so he looked into _that_ and realized that his powers were...well, they were abnormal to say the least. Even if other superhumans existed, they mostly just had one freakish mutation. At best, they might be able to fly _and_ be quick healers. Invulnerability was unheard of for everyone but him. Plus, the story his mother had always told, where they found him underneath the Christmas tree...he'd thought for a while that she just didn't want to tell him the "facts of life," but if he was an alien that might make perfect sense. Plus there was the fact that he wasn't romantically interested in any of the people around him more than once a year, and the fact that he occasionally found himself swallowing chicken bones...

So okay. He's an alien. That's fine, that makes sense. It's not a problem.

(It's a problem, but he can't go to therapy. He can imagine the headlines, and besides, who could possibly understand?)

But Megamind got the short end of the stick. Between two aliens, one that looks like a really attractive human (he kind of understands human standards of beauty, thank you very much) and one that looks like, well, a skinny blue freak with an enormous head, which one is going to have an easier time fitting in? Honestly, he's pretty sure Megamind was invited in so Wayne wouldn't be the class freak.

That does not make him feel good. Nor does the fact that he almost certainly made Megamind's life worse, especially judging by the way Blue reacted when he brought up their time at Lil' Gifted.

It also doesn't make him feel good to realize that he can't exactly come out and say "hey, I was a tool as a kid, and maybe that's why Megamind's messed up," not least because Megamind would claim he chose evil on his own rather than being forced into it, although the disappointment of his fans would also play a part, and he kind of cares about the Metro Man brand even if he knows that he should probably admit that he was a jerk but is trying to get better.

Branding, that's his father's world talking. And that's exactly what he's got to deal with today: taking his father out for a Father's Day dinner. Which is why he's wearing a mask that's a combination of the dutiful son and the public hero.

(Also the industrialist's child. And the schemer, which doesn't really fit him quite right. Wayne has never been good at what Megamind would call "sub-tall-tea.")

"You ready to go, son?" his father calls down from upstairs.

"All set, dad!" Wayne calls back up.

He just has to hope that today's plans go off without...too many hitches?

(Honestly, he's just hoping the plan gets off the ground without imploding. If that happens, anything is possible.)

* * *

Lord Victor Scott does not cut an impressive figure. Of average height, with brown hair in a short, businesslike haircut that's beginning to thin and grey some, he seems like an average man. Even when dressed in the expensive suits he favors, he simply looks like an average man in an expensive suit. Truth be told, he's not even a lord in an English sense; the title was bestowed upon him many years ago by a Michigan governor in recognition of all the jobs he brought to the state with his various industrial investments.

(The title was mainly bestowed because Victor made some rather large contributions to the governor's election campaign.)

There is, however, one thing about Victor Scott that stands out: his eyes.

His driver's license describes them as brown, but their color is by far the least interesting thing about them. They burn with a strange fire that seems to pierce through everything he looks at. If eyes are a window to the soul, his soul is fully on display in them, because his eyes quite clearly communicate his no-nonsense attitude to anything. He doesn't "rightsize" people, he fires them. He doesn't produce anything he can't see somebody using, and he doesn't take risks that he doesn't expect to pay off eventually. Even his son–well, that was more an out-of-nowhere thing that he rolled with to make his wife happy, but if Wayne had turned out to be a monster, he would've had him put down with no regrets.

(Maybe a few regrets, but he'd bury himself in work until he forgot about it.)

(Victor would have been unable to forget.)

Victor doesn't expect anything from anybody until they've delivered–a lesson he quickly learned when he first ventured into business. So maybe he doesn't treat his son like he hung the moon, as the rest of the city wants to do. He's dealt with plenty of Wayne's...shall we say, difficulties. For not the first time, Victor mentally congratulates himself on giving his son room to mess up without being subjected to massive amounts of scrutiny. Of course, with an even bigger outer-space screwup hanging around...

Victor shakes his head and puts it out of his mind. He's just going to a Father's Day dinner with his son. This is no time to be thinking about that megalomaniacal alien. Even if Megamind usually does create a big stink on Father's Day (for that matter, he seems to have a taste for screwing up holidays. Honestly, Metro City should just start incorporating his stupidity into their celebrations), his son will take care of it.

And he's proud of his son, even if he doesn't say so to anyone. It should be obvious to anyone with a functioning brain cell how proud Victor is to have a son like him. Really, even if Wayne hadn't been a superpowered alien but just a regular guy Victor would be proud of him. And anybody who doesn't understand that doesn't deserve his time.

* * *

"The _Warden?_ " Megamind blurts out. "Are you–is he–GAH!"

"Sir?" Minion asks. He's not sure exactly what's behind this latest freakout–at least, not which specific part set Megamind off this time.

"Minion!" Megamind exclaims. "This is clearly a setup! It's all clear to me now!"

"What's that, Sir?" Minion asks obediently. He already knows what Sir is going to say; now he just has to figure out how to get him to relax and go along to the dinner.

"Wayne wants to stop our plot!" he declares.

Minion frowns. "But Sir, we don't _have_ a plot. Just an idea."

"I know that!" Megamind snaps. "But Metro Mahn doesn't know that! And neither does the Warden!"

Minion fakes a laugh. "Sir, I think Wayne just wanted to invite us to have dinner."

"With the Warden," Megamind says stiffly. "And why do you keep calling him _Wayne?_ "

Minion blinks. "Well, it is his name."

"But he calls himself Metro Mahn!" Megamind insists. "And Metro Mahn is the bast-shawn of good in Metrocity! And I, am the, the, the..."

"Harbinger?" Minion suggests.

"Yes!" Megamind exclaims. "I am the har-pin-ger of evil! Or, doom, rather. We'll work on it! Put it in one of the Eevil Monologues."

"Right, Sir," Minion says, attempting to nod. "I'll put it in the notes to add it to an Evil Monologue."

"No, not an Evil Monologue," Megamind corrects. "An Eevil Monologue."

Minion pauses. "Eevil Monologue, Sir?"

(An Evil Monologue is something Megamind uses when threatening Roxanne, Metro Mahn, or Metrocity as a whole. Eevil Monologues are what he uses when threatening criminals or rival villains who break his Rules.)

(Megamind's Rules govern what can and cannot be done in his parts of the city, especially when it comes to criminal activity. They are enforced quite harshly by his army of brainbots.)

(Incidentally, there are certain sections of Metrocity where muggings never occur, even though in any other city they would be mugging central.)

"Eevil Monologue," Megamind confirms. "But that's not important right now!"

Minion gasps. Eevil Monologues are _always_ important.

"What's important is that Metro Mahn is going to use this as an excuse to capture us in plain view of the whole city!" Megamind declares. "We can't let that happen!"

"Sir, I really don't think that's what he's planning," Minion says.

"Oh really?" Megamind says, fire in his eyes. "You think _Wayne_ would want to be seen in public with Megamind?"

So that's what this is about.

"Well, Sir, it is Father's Day," Minion says diplomatically. "Perhaps he just thought that hero and villain could spend the day together with their fathers?"

"What fathers?" Megamind rants. "Neither of us have fathers! Remember the black hole?"

A pang appears in Minion's chest when Megamind brings this up, but he presses on. "Yes, but Sir, we were both adopted."

" _He_ was adopted," Megamind says bitterly. " _We_ weren't."

"Now Sir, you know that's not true," Minion admonishes. "The Warden has treated us like his own children. Remember all those times he protected us from those scientists?"

"Yes, well–" Megamind struggles for an example. "What kind of parent locks up his child again, and again, and again, and again?"

"To be fair, you _did_ completely fill City Hall with lasagna," Minion points out.

"It was Columbo Day!" Megamind protests.

(Minion refrains from pointing out that it was actually Columbus Day, not Columbo Day, and that Columbo Day doesn't actually exist.)

(Columbo Day would probably be the superior holiday.)

"But you can see why that would be frowned on as quite highly illegal?" Minion asks.

Megamind pouts. "That doesn't mean _he_ has to be the one to lock me up."

"It's his job," Minion points out.

Megamind continues pouting and refuses to reply.

"And besides," Minion adds, "who would you rather have in charge of the prison?"

Even though Megamind doesn't say anything, Minion knows he's made his point.

"So, Sir, shall we go?" Minion ventures.

Megamind crosses his arms. "I'm not going."

Minion sighs. He had hoped it wouldn't come to this.

* * *

A light blue Nissan Stanza pulls up to a curb and parks perfectly. The driver's side door opens, and a middle-aged man steps out. Although his hair is completely white, his face is mostly free of wrinkles. He is dressed in a conservative three-piece suit, and his gray-blue eyes are filled with weariness and a bit of hope.

This man is John Parker, although most people he comes in contact with simply refer to him as "Warden," and he's the closest thing Megamind has to a parent. (Which sounds sad when phrased in that way, but many things about Megamind's life are sad, no matter how they're phrased.) And at the moment, he is going to a Father's Day dinner with Metro Man, Megamind, and "Lord" Victor Scott.

Internally, Mr. Parker snorts, although the visage he presents to the world doesn't change at all. "Lord" Victor Scott has been a thorn in his side for upwards of two decades now–ever since he got wind of Blue's existence. He could swear that the Scotts have it in for Blue, and he suspects that without their interference Blue might actually be contributing to society in some beneficial way.

Well, he has heard about unapproved GMO crops with enormous yields suddenly popping up in Africa and Southeast Asia, and the crime rate in Metro City over the last five years is lower than it's ever been, and he's heard that air pollution in Metro City and the surrounding areas is lower than it should be given the levels of industry in the area. He has no proof, but he suspects that Blue is behind all of these things. He also suspects that if Blue was just allowed to be a good guy, he'd be doing a _lot_ more.

(He also suspects that this might be a trap for Megamind, and that as soon as he shows up Metro Man will clap him in handcuffs and hand him over to the Warden. No dinner, just a quick trip back to jail where–of course–Minion will stop them, grab Megamind, and take off, probably leaving John Parker handcuffed to the steering wheel of his own car.)

(Secretly, John Parker has had the same suspicions as Megamind about this Father's Day dinner.)

Regardless of his suspicions about Metro Man's intent–or, for that matter, the intent of "Lord" Scott–he's still going to show up, partially because nobody turns down an invitation from Metro Man, and partially because he'd like to see Megamind _outside_ of prison or a newscast. To be honest, he hasn't seen Megamind outside of either situation for several years now.

(This is another one of the things about Megamind's life that is sad, no matter how it's phrased, although Megamind would argue that he likes it that way–or, if not "likes it" precisely, it's something that he's come to accept.)

(His acceptance is another thing about Megamind's life that is sad.)

John Parker straightens his tie–one of the few nervous tics he permits himself–and strides towards the restaurant with his usual unruffled look on his face.

* * *

Wayne and his father have been sitting at their table for five minutes, and they haven't spoken to each other for ten. While the silence isn't _uncomfortable,_ exactly, it's not a comfortable silence either. And although Victor Scott is not a man of words, he is a man of action, and he's willing to take action to end the silence.

"So, how are things between you and that Ritchi girl?" he asks.

Internally, Wayne winces, although he keeps his face steady. Precise muscle control is but one of his powers–and a necessary one, too. It's not that he doesn't like Roxanne–truthfully, she's one of his closest friends.

(She's also one of his only friends; Metro Man has admirers, but few people want to know Wayne Scott.)

(This is one of the things about Wayne's life that is sad.)

It's just that, well, _he's not human._ For a while he thought he was just a freak, but the whole alien thing–well, he's a freak, but he's not _that_ kind of a freak. It's more that he kind of goes into heat once a year, and at that point _everything_ looks...

Well, suffice it to say that he once caught himself staring hungrily at a Twin Reverb and a Telefunken U47, and _not_ in the way he usually stares at musical equipment.

But anyway, that whole "mating cycle" thing is probably normal for...whatever he is, and that means that he doesn't see Roxanne that way (most of the time). He doesn't see _anyone_ that way (most of the time). The whole "Metro Man and Roxanne are in love" is something made up by the media, although he'll admit that he feeds it what with all the events he invites her to accompany him to. It's just that he has a plus-one most of the time, and he _needs_ to use it to keep up appearances, and, well, she's...

His only friend. But he doesn't have romantic designs on her ( _most of the time_ ). In fact, if he had to guess whether anyone had eyes for Roxanne, he'd say Megamind did.

(He'd also name a few other people, including a woman who works at a coffeeshop she frequents, a retired man who routinely feeds pigeons in the park near her apartment, and that Hal fellow who works as a cameraman at the same news station as her.)

(He won't admit that Hal gives him the creeps for some reason.)

So, as much as he's glad that his father is taking an interest in his life, Wayne can't help but be annoyed that his father picked the _worst_ possible topic of discussion.

"They're going pretty well," Wayne says noncommittally. "Honestly, I love spending time with her, and hearing about her life. Y'know, she's been having some trouble recently with–"

Someone clears his throat, and Wayne looks up to see the warden standing in front of their table.

"Warden Parker!" Wayne says gratefully, glad that he won't have to tell his father about Roxanne's nosy neighbor to try and fill space. "It's wonderful to see you!"

The man's mustache twitches. "You as well. Sir."

"Ah, Mr. Parker," Victor says. "Did you come over to discuss business with my son? Because at the moment, this is a more personal occasion for both of us...would you say it's an emergency? Perhaps something to do with that big-headed ruffian who constantly escapes your prison?"

"Not at all," John Parker says gruffly. "I simply came over to wish the both of you a happy Father's Day."

Wayne chuckled. "Well, why don't you have a seat?"

"I really shouldn't intrude," the warden says.

"No, you _shouldn't,_ " Lord Scott says pointedly.

Wayne chuckles the copyrighted Metro Man chuckle. "Nonsense! This isn't an intrusion at all. After all, you were invited to come along."

(Metro Man's chuckle is indeed under copyright. His father's lawyers advised him to do so. That doesn't stop various Youtubers from splicing it into videos where something horrible has just happened.)

"Wait, what?" Lord Scott asks, flabbergasted.

Before Wayne can think of what to say, the doors fly open and shrieks fly through the air, including five separate counts of the phrase "Metro Man, save us!"

The cause of this commotion is a fish in a bowl perched atop and operating a robotic gorilla suit and carrying a rather large black sack. The fish looks around nervously, and Metro Man takes this as his cue to float over to him.

"Ah, Minion!" he says jovially. "Glad you could make it!"

His arrival has calmed down most of the restaurant. His greeting, however, has just left everyone confused.

"We're sitting over there," Metro Man tells Minion, pointing towards the table where his father and the warden have just sat down. "Care to join us?"

Minion smiles. "I'd–we'd–love to."

As they walk over, Metro Man leans in and whispers conspiratorially. "So, is Megamind coming?"

Minion glances down at the large sack he's carrying, and this tells Metro Man all he needs to know.

Specifically, it tells Metro Man that this dinner will _not_ go off without a hitch.

(But at least it hasn't imploded. _Yet._ )

* * *

Minion opens the sack and gently places Megamind in a chair. He pushes his chair in and waits for Sir to awake. It isn't long before Megamind's eyes blink open, but the seconds before it happens seem to drag forever, not least because both the Warden and Lord Scott are staring at their three guests like they've spontaneously gone insane.

(Minion cannot write off the possibility that Metro Man has genuinely gone insane, and that's why he invited them to dinner with him. A dinner in full view of the _public,_ no less.)

"Minion?" he asks weakly.

"I'm here, Sir," Minion affirms.

Megamind fashions his angry eyes on Minion. "Did you just knock me out?"

"No, Sir," Minion says.

"Minion..." Megamind says threateningly.

"It was over half an hour ago, Sir," Minion defends himself. "That's a long time."

"That's not long at all!" Megamind says angrily. "That's...that's almost immediate! And you didn't even use the knockout spray! You used the Forget-Me-Stick!"

(The Forget-Me-Stick is really just a wooden baseball bat Megamind and Minion use on intruders to make sure they don't blab about the secret location of Evil Lair.)

(However, as is characteristic of Megamind, he has given it some upgrades to enhance its' memory-erasing capabilities.)

(Mostly by coating the bat in aluminum.)

"What's the Forget-Me-Stick?" the Warden asks.

This is when Megamind realizes he's in a fancy restaurant, at a table with his arch-nemesis, the warden, and Lord Scott. He lets out a small, startled squeak, and seems to fold in on himself as he cowers away from everyone else. Everyone takes his reaction mostly in stride; Lord Scott looks smug, Metro Man looks worried, and both Minion and the Warden look as though they've been in this situation before, mostly because they've been in similar situations before.

"Minion!" Megamind squeaks. "You brought me here? To this dinner?"

"Something wrong, little buddy?" Metro Man asks, and Megamind can't help but notice the tone of discomfort in his voice.

Megamind draws himself up to his full height and stares down his nose at Metro Man–a difficult feat since Metro Man is a full foot and a half taller than him and his eyes are two feet higher–but somehow, Megamind almost manages it.

( _Almost_ being the most important word.)

Despite the fact that Megamind is coming off as more comical than threatening, Metro Man doesn't laugh. Which is unfortunate, because a laugh would at least give Megamind some basis on which to start his rant. Instead, Megamind spends several seconds trying to look down his nose at the hero while desperately trying to come up with a good, villainous monologue off the top of his giant blue head.

"Have a seat, Blue," the Warden says. "Tonight's just a friendly dinner. Isn't that right, _Wayne?_ "

Although John Parker's usage of Wayne Scott's first name is intended to intimidate Metro Man (who, incidentally, has always been a little afraid of incurring the wrath of the warden ever since they first met and the warden wasn't impressed by him at all), it actually cheers him up slightly simply because it means there's someone out there who sees him as "Wayne Scott" rather than "Metro Man." Even though it's somebody who doesn't seem to like him, it's still a plus for the day in his book.

(The reason John Parker isn't impressed with Metro Man is because he knows what Megamind's short-lived shooldays were like.)

(Predictably enough, he was never invited to any parent-teacher meetings, even when Megamind was forcibly removed from the shool.)

(Or, more properly, the shool was forcibly removed from Megamind.)

Megamind slowly retakes his seat, scowling at Metro Man the whole way. Metro Man floats back to his chair and sits down as well.

And, of course, that's when the conversation goes dead.

* * *

The five of them sit in an uncomfortable silence for at least five minutes, a silence made worse by the whispered conversations and quick glances sent towards them.

(For Wayne, these conversations are painfully obvious, mainly because he has nothing else to focus on and his superhearing picks up...well, pretty much everything, and his only nearby listening options are the conversations around them or a Korean soap opera playing in the kitchen. And unfortunately, languages are not something he's good at picking up on.)

(Neither are social cues, when everything else is held equal, but he's had some lessons, and besides, nobody wants to tell _Metro Man_ he makes them feel uncomfortable.)

When the waiter arrives, though, they have to break their silence in order to order.

(Actually, this is not technically true, since the waiter is trained to recognize and understand American Sign Language, so they could get away with ordering using ASL. Unfortunately, nobody at the table knows ASL except for Megamind and Minion–and, more importantly, the waiter announces his arrival with a spoken statement.)

"Are you fine gentlemen ready to order?" he asks the table.

(Fine gentlemen is a stretch, but it's part of his rapport and it's expected that he'll say it to every customer.)

"I'll have the turkey a la king," Wayne says, just to get things started.

"T-bone steak with garlic mashed potatoes and a side salad," the warden says.

"I'll have the fish," Victor says, smiling smugly in Minion's direction. Wayne winces internally. He was hoping his father wouldn't mess this up...

"What kind of–" the waiter starts to say.

"Do you have anything in the way of a pig?" Megamind asks, anger glittering beneath his measured tone. "Perhaps a very _rich_ pig?"

"We have a delicious pork tenderloin sautéed in mushrooms and onions," the waiter says quickly. "And to drink?"

Victor scoffs. "Honestly, son, buying your arch-villain a drink? That seems a bit excessive."

"Well, it is a holiday," Wayne says. "And this is just a friendly Father's Day dinner, out with our two dads. Isn't that right, Megs?"

Megamind scowls at him. "Don't call me Megs. And no, I will not be having anything to drink!"

"But Sir–" Minion starts to say.

"No, Minion!" Megamind declares. "It is imperative that our heads are clear so that we can spring our trap when the time comes!"

Victor looks annoyed. "See, son? You try to do something nice for... _that_ kind of person, and it backfires on you."

"Minion, did you set up a trap?" Wayne asks, only slightly perturbed.

"No," Minion answers honestly. "I thought this was a nice dinner out."

"Minion!" Megamind snaps. "Don't tell him about our evil plans!"

"Well, technically, Minion just told him about your lack of an evil plan," the warden points out. "That's not the same thing."

"Thanks, Mr. Parker," Wayne says, trying to smooth things over. "You see? Just a nice dinner out."

"The way you said that was actually kind of villainous," Minion points out. "The whole, just a nice dinner out phrase? It almost makes you sound like the bad guy."

Wayne's lips twitch into a smirk, but he quickly ( _super_ quickly) makes his face into a stoic smile.

"I doubt that'll ever happen," Wayne says. "I could never hope to compete with Megamind's dastardly villainy."

(Wayne would be lying if he said he'd never considered being a villain, but he's smart enough to realize that he would make a horrible dictator. Also, having Megamind attempt to discover his secret weakness is one thing. Having the entire world working on it is something else entirely. He'd rather have Megamind figure it out, because Megamind _probably_ won't use it to kill him. Assuming his secret weakness exists, of course.)

(Plus, Wayne doesn't like to think about all the murder he'd have to commit if he decided to become a serious villain.)

For a moment, Megamind looks confused, as if he's uncertain whether or not he's been complimented. The waiter awkwardly clears his throat.

"Oh, right!" Wayne says. "Sorry about that. Just water for me, thanks."

"A glass of your finest rose," his father declares.

"A Tailgate Sipper, if you don't mind," the warden says.

The waiter turns to Minion. Minion smiles uncomfortably, robot gorilla suit standing at the ready.

"And for you...sir?" the waiter prompts.

"Oh, nothing for me," Minion says. "I don't need to drink."

"A cream soda for B–Megamind," the warden says.

Megamind looks like he wants to protest, but holds his tongue.

(Megamind secretly loves cream soda.)

"Very well then," the waiter says. "Your food will be out shortly."

* * *

As soon as he gets into the kitchen, the waiter leans against the door and takes a few deep breaths.

"What is this?" the head chef barks. "What are you waiting around for?"

The head chef is a short, scrawny man, who somehow manages to be more imposing than an angry Dick Butkus bearing down on his target with a full head of steam.

(He also happens to be Polish. For publicity reasons, whenever the restaurant needs somebody to pretend to be the head chef to the customers, they send out a French guy whose official position is "Fake Head Chef.")

The waiter snaps to attention. "Sorry, sir. Just a little shaken up. Sir!"

"By what?" the chef growls. "It's Father's Day, and we've got a hungry Victor Scott waiting out there with Metro Man! What could possibly have shaken you up on _today_ of all days?"

The waiter gulps. His Adam's apple bobs.

"Megamind is sitting at their table."

* * *

"So, Megamind..." Metro Man says carefully. "What have you been up to recently?"

Megamind stares him down. He knows that Metro Man is just trying to find out what his latest evil scheme is. Well good luck with that! Metro Man will never be able to figure out what his plan to defeat him and take control of Metrocity is! Never!

Well at least, outside of when he actually reveals his scheme, but he _has_ to do it _then_. That's just good supervillainy.

"I mean, you know, outside of whatever you're planning for National Chocolate Pudding Day," Metro Man continues.

Megamind gapes. How did he know about that?

"How did you know about that?" Minion asks.

"Minion!" Megamind snaps automatically, mind whirring. Yes, Minion just pretty much confirmed that he was planning to do something for National Chocolate Pudding Day, but Metro Jerk might have already known that. The question is how he knew.

Metro Man gives a false chuckle. "C'mon, Minion, it's a friendly family dinner. I'd rather not talk about work."

"Oh really?" Megamind purrs. "You sure you won't have to take off to get a cat down from a tree?"

Metro Man smiles. "Not today, buddy."

Megamind snarls. "I'm not your buddy, pal."

"Yeah," Minion adds. "He's not your pal, guy."

"He's not my guy, buddy?" Metro Man asks.

"He's not your buddy, pal," Megamind interjects.

"He's not my pal, guy," Minion agrees.

"He's...not my guy, buddy?" Metro Man asks, starting to crack a smile.

"He's not your guy," Megamind concurs.

The Warden, Metro Man, and Minion–that traitorous Minion!–simultaneously groan.

"You broke the reference," The Warden informs him.

"Yeah, we had a thing going," Minion complains.

Megamind's giant blue head starts to ache, and he suspects it's not just because Minion–that traitorous Minion!–hit him with the Forget-Me-Stick. He stands up abruptly.

"I'm going to the bathroom," he says stiffly.

"I'll come with you, little buddy," Metro Man says.

"What, afraid I'll run off?" Megamind says sarcastically.

"Yes," Metro Man, Minion, and The Warden say at the same time.

"I'll come with you too, sir," Minion volunteers.

* * *

The head chef blanches, and for the first time since the waiter has known him he seems to be exactly his height and weight.

"So what do we do about this?" the waiter asks nervously.

"Do?" the head chef asks. " _Do?_ "

"About Megamind, sir," the waiter says. "How do we get him out of the restaurant?"

The head chef grabs him by the shoulders roughly. "We. Do. NOTHING."

"But sir–"

"NO!" the head chef roars. "We treat him better than anybody else, ever, in the history of ever, in the history of ever!"

"But he's a villain!" the waiter protests. "He's going to destroy us!"

"If we make him angry, yes!" the head chef says angrily, somehow tightening his grip on the waiter's shoulders. "If we try to kick him out, the restaurant will burn down in a couple of weeks, and it'll turn out that somehow the insurance lapsed! Or he'll track us all down and make us disappear! Or–or–or!"

"That's why we've got to stop him!" the waiter says, a bit too loudly. "We've gotta call the police or–"

The head chef slams his forehead into the waiter's forehead, knocking him unconscious. As the waiter's body falls to the floor in an undignified heap, the head chef turns around and stares at the rest of the staff, a bloody smear on his forehead and Dick Butkus aura back at full strength.

"Anybody _else_ want to be a hero?" he asks threateningly.

The staff look at each other for maybe half a second before getting back to work more fervently than before.

* * *

In the hallway that leads to the bathrooms, hidden from the view of most people, Megamind has hoisted Metro Man up by the front of his uniform and pinned him to the wall. This would be an impressive feat were it not for the fact that Wayne is helping him out by intentionally floating a foot off the ground and tucking his legs under him so he and Megamind can chat face-to-face.

(Minion, meanwhile, is awkwardly standing guard, although everybody who might have been thinking of even visiting the bathroom today decided to hold it when they saw Megamind heading in that direction.)

" _What_ do you think you're doing?" Megamind snarls in his most threatening voice.

Wayne holds his hands up placatingly. "Whoa there, little buddy, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, you _know_ what I'm talking about," Megamind says angrily. "Minion, does he know what I'm talking about?"

Minion approximates a shrug the best he can, being a fish in a robotic gorilla body. "Maybe?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Wayne reassures him.

"You know what I'm talking about!" Megamind says angrily.

"Maybe," Minion adds.

"Minion!" Megamind snaps. "Ixnoy on the talkingoy!"

"It's 'alkingtoy,'" Wayne corrects. "I mean, 'alkingtay.'"

"Oh, you think you're so smart," Megamind says angrily. "You think you're so, so amazingly brilliant. You think you–"

"Okay," Wayne says, deciding to take control of the situation. He quits floating and stands, raising his height by about two feet. "All I'm trying to do is have a nice dinner out with my dad. And your dad."

"He's not my dad!" Megamind snaps.

"He's kind of our dad–" Minion starts to say.

"Minion!" Megamind snaps. "Not. Now!"

"Look," Wayne says, placing a comforting hand on his arch-nemesis's shoulder.

(He's trying to make it be a comforting hand, at least. He's not sure that Megamind will _ever_ accept comfort from him, but he's so used to playing the hero role that, well, this is what he knows how to do.)

"Megamind, I'm not here to hurt you," he says in the most sincere voice he can muster. "I just thought, you know, you and J–The Warden, you guys don't really see each other much when you're not in jail. So I thought, maybe, you two could get together, and, well...have a nice Father's Day?"

Megamind looks at him suspiciously.

* * *

Angelo Mateo de la Raza is an accountant on weekdays and a bassist on weekends, and his band just got signed. So of course, to celebrate, he decided to go out for dinner at the best restaurant in town. So what if it's Father's Day, and he doesn't have anyone to go with? That shouldn't stop him from getting a good meal. He'll take a table for one and some London broil, and it'll be fantastic. Besides, he's on his way to rock stardom. From here on out it's all groupies and gigs. And alcohol poisoning, given Ricky's (the guitarist) preference for bourbon.

Angelo also has a touch of the OCD. Nothing debilitating, although it is the reason why he's spent the last five minutes obsessively washing his hands in the bathroom sink. But now he's good. All he has to do is leave.

* * *

The first thing Angelo sees when he exits the bathroom is Metro Man trying to stop Megamind from escaping.

This would be irrelevant were it not for a couple of very peculiar facts: firstly, Megamind is very sensitive to pepper spray (as Roxanne found out one day and then profusely apologized for, shocking both Megamind and Minion), and secondly, Angelo happens to carry a spray container of the stuff with him everywhere he goes.

(You try transporting equipment worth hundreds of dollars out of shady bars and see if you don't become a bit paranoid about protecting yourself and it.)

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Megamind screams, black gloved hands covering his wounded, burning eyes.

"Sir!" Minion shouts worriedly.

Metro Man just shoots Angelo a look that implies 'really, I had it under control, citizen, no need to trouble yourself.'

(Actually, Metro Man's look is meant to convey 'you are a moron, you were such a moron, I was about to get him to come back to dinner and reconcile with his father and maybe not hate me so much and you screwed it up you complete and utter moron,' but nobody in Metrocity can conceptualize of Metro Man giving that look to someone who helped him stop Megamind's latest evil scheme.)

Megamind runs back towards the main body of the restaurant blindly, bumping into tables, chairs, and random civilians while firing his de-gun wildly until Minion grabs him and Earl Campbells his way out of the restaurant. Metro Man gives chase, of course, but a cloud of brainbots appears as if out of nowhere, and Metro Man doesn't really want to make Megamind any madder so he tries to dodge his way through all of them, but of course that means that by the time he's finally gotten through most of the swarm Megamind has completely disappeared.

* * *

John Parker parks his car in the garage and gets out, slamming the door more violently than he needs to. He understands what Metro Man was trying to do, but God, John could swear he's got rocks for brains. The fact that the brainless jock became the hero while the misunderstood brainiac became the villain–sometimes there's no justice in this world.

He strips off his jacket and tosses it onto the couch. He'll hang it up in a few minutes, but right now he needs a stiff drink.

John Parker pours a couple shots of Wild Turkey into a glass and is about to toss it down when the phone rings. That'd be his daughter, calling to wish him a happy birthday. He wishes she'd come up to see him now and again, but she lives in Colorado now. It's not easy, never seeing her, but she's busy and has her own life–he knows what it's like.

"Hey dad!" her voice comes through the line, clear and joyful as ever. "Sorry I'm so late in calling, things were just so hectic today! But how was your Father's Day?"

John coughs, swirls his drink around in his glass, and then swallows it in one quick gulp. When he speaks, his voice is ragged.

"All in all, it was pretty good."


End file.
